If you are planning a
midlife pregnancy, or suddenly find yourself expecting over the age
of 45, apart from the obvious health issues, one of the main
questions that will inevitably arise in your mind is, "What
will people think?"
Will they think you're completely mad? Will they offer unqualified
advice based on limited knowledge? Will they make insensitive and
unkind remarks or, in the future, will strangers assume that you are
the child's grandmother? Will they lack understanding and try to instill
their own values upon you by saying things like, "Why on earth
would you want another baby at your age?" or "Rather you
than me." One of the most annoying remarks and one that has
been made many times to women who already have children is,
"You should be happy with what you've got". That's no
different to passing judgment on their choices by saying something
like, "Why do you want another car / house / pet? You should be
happy with what you've got".
It doesn't really matter what other people think. We all make
personal choices and no one should condemn you for decisions you
make that affect your life and not theirs. The desire to have a baby
is no different at 45 to the desire to have a baby at 25.
Try to ignore any negative comments you may receive, or compose your
own witty comeback. Some comments are based on ignorance and others
are based on people's own personal choice not to want another child
themselves. Some comments may even been be based on jealousy, with
these messengers of doom secretly harboring a desire to be blessed
with another baby themselves. Too much unnecessary anxiety has been
fed into the minds of older mothers via non-medical friends and
acquaintances who feel compelled to impart their limited knowledge
and thoughtless opinions.
If someone should mistake you for your child's grandmother, so what?
It is almost impossible to discern someone's age these days and I
know of much younger mothers who have been mistaken for their
children's grandmother. However, age and appearance do not have any
bearing upon your ability to be a great parent. I would rather look
like my child's grandmother, secure in the knowledge that my child
is being raised in a loving, stable environment, than look like my
child's sister and be ill-equipped to cope with the demands of being
a young mother.
In 1983, when my own grandmother was 75, she looked after my baby
son whilst I went out to work full-time. She was the best
childminder that I have ever had and put far more effort into
educating him, amusing him and running around the park than many
younger parents I have known.
From my perspective, I have been a young mother and an older mother
so I have a comparison through personal experience. When I gave
birth to my first three children in my twenties, I admit to being
far less emotionally, spiritually and financially stable than I was
when I gave birth to my fourth child at the age of 40. In my
twenties, I was still trying to decide what I was going to be when I
"grew up" and was struggling with all manner of identity
crises, not aided by the fact that I was in an unhappy marriage with
an unsupportive husband. When my life was crowded with unresolved
personal issues, I was unable to devote myself totally to my
children. When I gave birth to my youngest daughter at the age of
40, I was very clear about what I wanted in life, including another
baby. I had, and still have, a supportive partner who nurtured me
through the pregnancy and plays an active role as a father.
People, by their nature, are opinionated and will always be ready to
impart their unwarranted views, often in the most tactless manner.
If you are dumbfounded by any comments your receive, the simplest
response is, "That's my choice. It's what I / we want. It
doesn't adversely affect your life does it?"
